I started thinking about this post as I was constructing another page for this blog actually. The page in mind at the time was a glossary of terms pertaining to trans-gender, societal views and phrases and then I came upon the idea to include the many different labels we have for defining a person’s sexuality. I began to think of the very basics, man and woman. Hetero and homo sexual. The more I thought – the deeper I began to be swallowed up by labels condemning people’s feelings, their very beliefs into narrow little passage ways – one way thoughts and zero tolerance for anything but. Since when are we absolutely split down the middle? Dividing us into two balances of masculinity and femininity. Each label condemns us to certain portions of either masculine or feminine. From lipstick lesbians to butch lesbians. It is the very divided portion of masculinity and femininity that gives each their label. Don’t even get me started on those that are attracted to either one or both or a combination of the two that lies somewhere in the middle because there are labels now for them as well. As I continued to make my list of terms that I would include in my glossary the list began to grow, and grow and grow some more. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to separate myself from each label because forever there would be that association – I decided to skip the glossary for now and work here, explaining how I feel about my personal gender binary within.
Having crumpled my list of terms and tossed just over the rim of the trash can and onto the floor I decided to begin typing here. Let’s see about my labels – my associations about myself and how I define myself. But wait, I don’t. At least there’s no category that completely explains how I feel. I know I’m not the anomaly I sometimes think I am, so what am I? Let’s approach this with the facts. I was born into a biological female body. As far as my interests, tendencies, attitude, the things I relate to and feel are all associated with that of a man. That is IF there is definitive gender division. Otherwise, though I am in a female’s body, as awkward as it has always seemed – I am all masculine inside. But again, that is IF there is such a thing. As for a way to describe my sexuality – I’m the grey area here as well. I feel you can fall in love with anyone; despite whatever sex they might be, they are lovable people. Does that make me bi-sexual? Well, I don’t know… what if I fall in love with an extremely feminine man? Or very masculine woman? Does that change things?
And so here I am with even more questions than I started with. However, please don’t confuse that with how I view myself, how I know myself… I do in fact know myself but I do not know how these terms, these labels condemn me personally.
Tired and signing off for now,