Dysphoric Distaste

This week I’ve been out a couple – few times. Each time I wore my binder and even packed. Before getting dressed and after, especially after – I had the hardest time taking it off, seeing my own naked body and knowing, just knowing that only underneath all this breast tissue, all this skin lies the heart  of  man. This very unsatisfying, distasteful and extremely unusual feeling is often the feeling that coins the term “Gender Dysphoria.” Gender Dysphoria is most literally known as being uncomfortable in one’s own skin; feeling most uncomfortable with one’s own assigned gender.

It’s in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual (DSM) of mental disorders now. Since it has been – more and more people have new outlets for help, therapy and things such as Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT.) The fact that it made the DSM is a catch 22 to me. While so many more transgender people have gotten the resources they’ve needed – it’s still considered a ‘mental disorder.’ If you ask me, it’s no different from finding yourself being diagnosed with diabetes and needing some sort of treatment for life, such as the HRT. Therefore, it really is not a mental disorder but a physical one, actually being born into the wrong gender body. But what can I say, if you have to declare yourself with a mental disorder to follow your dreams of being yourself – so be it.

This dysphoria has plagued many of us for a long time. At quick glance it’s easy for some of us to outwardly appear the sex we feel we are but under further inspection – especially our own inspection – it’s obvious we are not. This is where the true depression of gender dysphoria sets in. When you are naked, or partially so, and you are at your most exposed state – the gloominess of reality sets in. Quite depressing to most of us who can easily avoid a mirror or two for so long we can actually almost see ourselves the way we feel. Unfortunately, the way we feel is more often than not an unrealistic idea we have of ourselves. It is probably why more and more of us, including myself, are searching out means of changing ourselves.

With testosterone or T shots, we can change our physical shape, our body hair, the depth of our voice and so much more to become more masculine in appearance and sound. Other physical changes include man-sculpting, a form of plastic surgery to re-shape our body to a more masculine form and there’s also the usual bilateral mastectomy, something I wish to have done, which is the removal of both breasts and a nipple graft to give the appearance of having a male chest and pecs.

There’s so much we can do both physically and mentally now to prepare ourselves FOR ourselves. That’s the best part to me. Again I will say it, if I have to declare myself with a mental disorder, not that I wish to, but if it will help myself or anyone else in my position – then so be it.

Just call me crazy,

Soon to be Nikko


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