As I’m nearing my 6 month benchmark for testosterone (T) injections I can tell you that a LOT has changed. Yes, of course, there have been many physical changes from the very shape of my body to the depth of my voice; however, of these many changes I find my emotional changes to be the most interesting.
Surely we’ve all heard of the awesome and long awaited physical changes that one goes through during their first year on T. Rarely though, do I read or watch a video that discusses visiting both ends of the emotional spectrum. I mean how many people actually can tell you how a woman thinks AND how a man does?! Alright, there are a ton of people out there that think they know but how many of them have truly experienced it?
Testosterone filled males actually do react to things less emotionally than most women. Obviously I cannot speak for the masses but only from my observations, but, I can assure you that the differences I have noticed have been extraordinary to say the least. How many of you trans-males, while pre-T, would get so angry that uncontrollable tears would flow? That used to be me as well. I couldn’t stand the fact that as angry and upset as I was, I could not control the tears. Now, having found some sort of hormone balance with T I can get angry WITHOUT crying. I just get angry, simple as that, I get upset without the uncontrollable water works that used to rile me up and make me even more upset.
Now for some I can understand how the above may mean very little but to me it means that even though I still can be angered, (human nature,) I can do so without embarrassing myself, losing dignity and so on… However, please don’t get me wrong, although I choose to be private about my own tears doesn’t mean that I feel there’s anything wrong with crying; it is just that I choose to do so privately AND when I choose to. Choosing when opposed to losing control was a huge and relieving ordeal for me.
Being less tearful when I am angry and less tearful in general are not the only emotional differences pre-T and chuck-full of it. There are probably thousands, if not more, books out there that only touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to distinguishing the differences between the sexes emotionally. Countless women are desperate to understand men while most men have given up trying to even understand the basics of women’s emotions…while I sit here and can literally understand both emotional worlds.
Recently, due to moving out of state and having a lapse in insurance as well as trying to re-establish new doctors that handle these sorts of things, such as hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for trans-males, I have had a setback in the consistency of taking my T injections. It has been a very sad month that I’ve gone now without having my regular injections. I could go off on many different tangents just on this topic alone but I’ll try to remain focused here…. With the lapse, came some biological changes. These changes of course were just back to my “normal” biological state. With that came some extreme emotional downs, obvious physical changes as far as my figure and the depth of my voice – well it’s just not as deep let us say. But to remain on topic, the emotional differences, even though I had recognized them as the T built up in my system, became even more apparent as it left my system too.
To sum things up, my view on gender binaries might be changing. While I used to think that men and women weren’t all that different unless they personally were hell bent on making themselves appear and act differently, I may have been wrong. T has changed me in ways I expected as well as in ways I thought I would never change. I suppose for now all I can do is sit back, hold on and enjoy the ride. While I’m doing so, however, rest assured I’m taking notes… This is a journey I’m going to want to share and surely I think you’ll want to know!